Christian virgins and ‘sexual compatibility’ (part 2)
[Click HERE for part 1]
Sexual Compatibility (continued)
The core issue of sexual compatibility is vulnerability–of being naked and not ashamed.
Spouses should ask each other sexual questions to get feedback because communication is key, before, during, and after sex. This verbal communication can actually be the hardest part of sexual vulnerability: simply telling your husband or wife what’s pleasing or displeasing, comfortable or uncomfortable.
Part of the fear comes from the sexual performance assumptions I spoke of in the previous post. Because sex is viewed as something people are either “good at” or “fail” at, they’re afraid to fail–to come across as a sexual loser.
But the truth is this: unlike in the movies, you will have to talk to find out what is sexually pleasing to your spouse.
Most of the “moves” will come naturally enough, but one partner may not be as vocally expressive as the other. The less vocal partner will need to affirm the more vocal partner without producing insecurity in the vocal partner lest he or she feels like the need for affirmation is in itself a failure.
This applies to those who’ve been sexually abused, as well as to those who have stronger sex drives than their spouses. The victim of sexual abuse should be vulnerable before, during, and after marriage about the issues he or she faces in having sex. The spouse with the stronger sex drive must say so, and the one with a weaker sex drive should not only adhere to Paul’s words about not depriving each other sexually (1Corinthians 7:5), but should go out of his or her way to let the spouse with the stronger sexual desires know that he or she is not a pervert for wanting sex more.
So whether we’re dealing with sexual abuse, differences in sex drive, erectile dysfunction, or just plain fear, the key to sexual intimacy and sexual compatibility is vulnerability.
Being as frank, direct, and graphic as possible with the spouse.
This kind of openness encompasses the Biblical idea of the husband “knowing” (Hebrew: yada’) his wife.
All of us will have some of these issues to lesser or greater extremes. A man may not suffer erectile dysfunction, but he may be pressured by the fear of failure in bed.
A woman may not have been sexually abused, but she may not have received physical affection as a child, and as a result she may feel uncomfortable or awkward about all physical affection, with this spilling over into sexual affection.
Talking about these things and responding sensitively, based on the vulnerability it takes to speak about these issues, will be the most important thing a couple can do to be sexually compatible.
What it boils down to is this: Compatibility, sexually, spiritually, or emotionally, is a fluid and relational experience, not a state that either exists or does not.
It is a kind of sensitive yielding, not an innate sexual ability.
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So what do you think, Dojo readers? Have we, even in the Church, bought into the cultural mindset which perceives sexual intimacy as primarily a performance issue? Is there such a thing as genuine “sexual incompatibility”? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below!
Thanks to Olatunde for sharing his thoughts on this subject here in the Dojo. He is one of my closest friends, as well as someone who has sharpened my own faith as much as anyone else in the world for over a decade now. If you’d like to read more of his writing (which I encourage you to do!), check out his blog and pick up a copy of his book “The Mind of Christ” over at Amazon.
Categories: Biblical Theology, Blog, Ministry, Relationships
[…] J.M. Smiths’ Blog (and here), he suggests the key to sexual intimacy and compatibility is vulnerability. Not a word that most […]
by Sexual compatibility: What is it? Part 2 | Freedom. Truth. Marriage. on Mar 16, 2014 at 2:10 pm