Being a pastor and a single at the same time…
Unmarried ministers face the same struggles as other singles – but theirs are more public
By Katharine Dale
kdale@charlotteobserver.com
GARY O’BRIEN/Observer staff photo
While they might not be found throwing back shots at the bar or canoodling uptown until 2 a.m., don’t assume they’re just sitting at home reading the Bible.
They go rock climbing and cycling. They’re artists. They’re musicians. They date. And their title doesn’t exempt them from issues everyone else faces, including temptation, sex, loneliness – and losing a loved one.
We talked to five single ministry leaders in Charlotte, and here are their stories.
Tamara Park
A seminary professor once told Tamara Park she’d enjoy studying Hebrew. So she moved to Jerusalem for a year.
“The reality is that my time does look differently, not having a husband or children,” she said. “I think ‘How do I steward that, and take risks and move into opportunities that I couldn’t do if I were married?’”
While backpacking through the Middle East a few years ago, she interviewed Muslims, Catholics and people of other faiths, asking their perceptions of God. Now she’s writing a book.
“I don’t know how I could have written that book if I were married with children,” she said. “Sacred Encounters from Rome to Jerusalem” will be released in November.”
Whether writing, combating injustice, running or salsa dancing, Park, 37, longs to minister out of her complete life experiences. That means not, she said, as a “perfect” person, just an unmarried clergy member or just a woman. The south Charlotte resident is pastor of community at Warehouse 242 near uptown Charlotte, part of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church.
“We often have unconscious perceptions of what a leader, especially a church leader, should look like – which oftentimes is a married man,” said Park.
“I grew up in a church where a woman couldn’t be pastor…I know people have unspoken assumptions, (but) I’ve really studied the scriptures and realized women do have a role. There’s a mutual respect, and a real appreciation and value, of having men and women’s voices together.”
Alan Porter
It’s not every day a man of God says his favorite movie is a chick flick about a prostitute who falls in love with Richard Gere. But if you ask Alan Porter, “Pretty Woman” is his answer.
“It really speaks to me a strong message of how difficult it can be to find people who are interested in you, who appreciate you beyond what you can give them,” he said. “It demonstrates to me how there are people out there like that, but it shows the walls that people of notoriety put up, and have to put up.”
Porter, executive pastor at Greater Salem Church in northwest Charlotte, said one of the most difficult aspects of his job – and his life – has been developing relationships.
In some cases, he said, women he might be interested in dating see him only as a pastor. “They relate very clearly to the role, but not always to a person,” he said.
Porter, 45, recently moved to Huntersville from Maryland. To escape the daily grind, he jogs and goes to the movies – where he sits up in a corner, alone, with nachos and a Coke.
“I like the solitude, just being able to go and get lost in there,” he said. “I’m around people, but I feel like I’m by myself.”
At the end of the day, Porter said his “keeper” is not his secular relationships, vocation or “Pretty Woman,” but his commitment to God. “That’s what’s made me successful,” he said.
His advice to others: “What I encourage single pastors to do is to live,” he said. “Find out what your dreams are, where your passion is, and pursue that…Don’t make pursuing a partner your whole life passion. Spend your time pursing the person you long to become.”
Brad Saab
Brad Saab endures loss like everyone else – except it’s his job to bear his pain in public.
After his girlfriend of six months, Janet Devaty, was struck and killed by a truck’s trailer last October while she jogged in Myers Park, all eyes were on him.
Would he fall apart? Would he curse God? Does he genuinely embrace his faith in all circumstances, as he teaches?
“I mean, I was destroyed at that point,” he said. “I loved her. But I trusted God and wanted to use my life to encourage people. I talked with my students about it, and the church – trying to use it for other people’s benefit.”
Saab, 27, embraces being a student ministry pastor at Charlotte South Fellowship, saying it encourages him to set a Christ-like example. “People look to me to either find encouragement to do the right thing, or an excuse to do the wrong thing.”
The University of Florida graduate, who lives in Union County, wants to marry someday. He looks forward to romance – dancing in the kitchen while cooking dinner.
Until he finds “the one,” Saab feels at peace with single life and spends his free time rock climbing and hiking.
“A lot of people spend their single years in a state of desperation,” he said. “It’s got its disadvantages, but it has a bright side. I’m using this time and these resources to help people and to love God, so it’s a cool thing.”
James-Michael Smith
Being single didn’t stop James-Michael Smith, pastor of discipleship at Good Shepherd United Methodist in Steele Creek, from giving a sermon entitled “Let’s Talk about Sex.”
When there’s a sermon on why singles should practice abstinence, he said, “it’s always by someone who gets to go home and have (sex), because they’re married,” he said. “The single people who typically dismiss it go home and think, ‘Oh, that’s easy for you to say.’ But I can say, ‘It’s not easy.’”
Added Smith, 29: “My title doesn’t make me inhuman. I’m still a guy who has needs and desires.”
When it comes to dating, the Savannah native disagrees with one evangelical subculture that sometimes looks down on dating as inappropriate or unbiblical. “It’s a way to get to know someone with clear intentions, to know someone better in order to find out if they could possibly be who you end up with.”
Smith, of the Steele Creek area, is passionate about his convictions, but he’s accepting of different views. Much of his time is spent reading, leading Bible study, drawing (he has a bachelor of fine arts) and doing martial arts.
“Most people are kind of surprised that a pastor can be passionate about martial arts, which is fun ’cause I get to break that stereotype,” he said.
Rob Kelly
Rob Kelly is known as the perpetual kid – the “famous” single guy on staff at Carmel Baptist Church in Matthews.
There seems to be an unwritten rule, he said: Pastors should have a family, or at least be married, before they’re seen as “grown up.”
Kelly, 30, a college and young adult pastor, feels that having a wife would alter the dynamics of his job in a positive way.
“It’s…the way I interact and minister to girls,” said the Seattle native. “I have a lot more freedom to interact with guys. With women, I have to really watch my interaction and guard myself….
“Pastors have to be cognizant of every thing they do and every word they speak.”
Still, people both inside and outside the church are sometimes surprised what they find when they get to know him.
“I am very much just a regular guy who likes hanging out with his friends, traveling, playing guitar and watching ‘Lost,’” he said.
“I’ve heard on a number of occasions, ‘For a pastor, you’re pretty regular.’ I think it even goes that way for Christians: people saying, ‘Wow, you’re a Christian, but you’re normal.’”
One perspective
Alan Porter of Greater Salem Church summed up the reasons navigating his ministry as a single pastor can be tricky:
Politics. “I was 23 when I started,” he said. “I was the youngest pastor in the church, and everyone was always telling me if I was gonna be successful I had to be married. So I found myself almost giving into that. I thought, if I wanted to stay on the right path I had to be married.”
Pressure. Women sometimes assume that if he enjoys their company, the altar is next, he said.
Perception. “When people meet you and discover you’re single, the next words out of their mouth are, “We’ve got to find you a wife!’ What is it on my face that says I’m suffering because I’m single? That bothers me, because it implies I’m not a whole person because I’m not married, like my clothes are wrinkled. There’s more to me than my singleness.”
Categories: Blog, Ministry, Relationships
helpful blog for single pastors at singleandcalled.blogspot.com
by Tim Melton on Nov 19, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Hello there! Well, I have been approached mainly via facebook by a number of pastors lately. All of them were handsome and seemingly had their things in order. But what I’ve noticed after the initial request of friendship on there, they no longer have been communicating. Each one! My facebook page is very tasteful…many inspirational and spiritual quotes and daily events and some very tasteful pics even. Grant it, I do not chase them and I do not contact them all the time, as I figure that they very busy…but I’ve sent some messages and nothing back in return. The only pastors (in person) that talked to me, all they wanted was to sleep with me and they were very worrysome! I had to STOP talking to them!lol Well, now there is a new one, I heard he MAY have a girlfriend but nothing serious. I attended a family & friends day at his church yesterday and decided to reach out and find him on facebook and friend him. Well I did, and sent him a lighweight message in which I see he checked however he didn’t respond nor did he accept my friend request. What gives here? I am a single, employed, attractive Christian woman with no kids and cannot seem to get further with these men! Please help!
by Jo Anne Hall on Sep 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm
Hi Jo Anne, thanks for reading and commenting. Not knowing you or seeing your FB profile, I can’t really offer any answers.
But I would ask, is this a pattern you’ve noticed with other men, or is it just with pastors?
Are you specifically looking to date a pastor? If so, why?
If a pastor tells you he wants to sleep with you, that gives you a pretty good glimpse into his heart and I’d say it to find another church ASAP. All Christians are to “flee from sexual immorality”…and those in positions of pastoral leadership will be judged more strictly by God (James 3:1).
Personally, I’ve gotten FB friend requests and messages from a number of people who’ve listened to a talk I gave or heard me preach. I try to add or respond to those each time. But I’ve also gotten requests and messages from people I don’t know and I usually just ignore those.
by jm on Sep 23, 2013 at 5:42 pm
It has been such a rocky road being a single Minister. so difficult to find single Ministers. Anyone know of man of God in Canada who serves under GOD ORGANIZATION?
by Pstr.Ju Dy on Aug 4, 2014 at 12:16 pm
Hi , I to have a very long time friend named Tim he’s a minister at my church and we were engaged for 5 months now he says just friends,I’ve known him most of my life. He’s a widower has grown kids and one young, now he says just friends. I don’t know why he’s done this , I do know he has health problems and his youngest is disabled,but to break a vow of engagement and we wrote out vows also is not what I expected from a minister I’ve known over 30 years, see I’m very young never married, no kids and saving myself,I’m not ugly at all. I just don’t understand. I told him no matter what comes there’s nothing we can’t work through with God.
by Miss on Dec 25, 2018 at 7:08 am
My Dear sister .. we need to pray together because you just told my struggle.. I just don’t understand I will be 29 in 3 days… I have no children, educated, athletic, artistically inclined…. 5’9′ … ???? I mean what’s the problem here?… I am a full time Pastor myself…. .. I haven’t done the facebook thing as of yet.. I keep telling myself that God knows how to lead and connect me to his chosen husband… I admit the single life is oh so difficult.. but highly possible … but “IM TIRED” .. Yes ive prayed,,, yes im waiting,,, yes im ready… . another problem is.. I am currently living in Ethiopia carrying out the Lords work and desire… so it makes my issue 300xxx more seemingly impossible… well, …………… ok .. I have made up my mind that my Lord knows what to do and how to do,,, everything will be perfect according to his timing.. and he will be the best man because I am the best woman…
pray for me as I pray for you…
The Little Boy’s Bible
by lashanna on Nov 9, 2014 at 7:34 pm
..just turned 40 and most guys are afraid of approaching me …not sure what to do anymore…would love to meet other single ministers in same predicament..I pray everyday for hubby even wrote it as a song. ..mmmmh
by judy on Dec 11, 2014 at 9:28 pm
Well, you might consider approaching them maybe. There’s precedence for that in Ruth and Naomi’s actions, I believe. 🙂
by JM Smith on Dec 11, 2014 at 9:54 pm
Hello everyone, I’ve been seeing a Widowed Reverend!!! For the past three months… I’m saved but I’m not perfect and I’m working on it. This man has been after my body since the first time we were alone. I gave into temptation and that was the biggest mistake. He wants sex all the time and it seems to me… that’s all that he wants. I been praying to God about it and it seems like God is sending back to me. No matter what I do or say he will not leave me alone. Help
by Monique on Oct 26, 2015 at 9:57 am