As a teacher of Scripture, who is also a single guy in his early 30s, the topic of women in the Bible is one that I would like to look at in a different light than your typical Liz Curtis Higgs/Beth Moore/Kay Arthur approach.

Most discussions of women in the Bible are written by women, to women and for women and usually center on life lessons one can glean from these heroines of the faith (or in the case of Liz’s studies, those “bad girls“…or “slightly bad girls“…or if you want to get extreme, those “REALLY bad girls“!).

While such studies are well and good (except for the ones that take 21st century Western social/professional issues and read them back into ancient near east narrative settings…i.e. “business managment lessons from the life of Ruth” or “7 principles of Biblical dating”, etc.! — In fact, whenever you come across anything titled “_____ Principles of Biblical ______”, just keep on walking…your bank account as well as your spiritual development will thank you in the long run!), they are usually of very little interest to my demographic!

So having realized that there is almost nothing written on women in the Bible from the perspective of us single guys who agree with the extremely self-evident “He who finds a wife finds what is good…” (Pro 18:22 TNIV), I’ve decided to take a stab at it.

Thus, here is my list of

Top Ten Bible Babes:

[Disclaimer: For those who may be offended by, or object to the term “babe” being used to describe a woman, I want to make it clear up front that a “Babe” is a woman who is beautiful both inwardly as well as on the outside.  A woman of character, wisdom, discernment and ability. That’s the Dojo definition of “Babe” anyway!]

10. Esther

The obligatory choice for any list of Bible babes. She was literally the winner of the greatest Persian beauty contest of all time (and Persian women were–and still are–renowned for their beauty!)…as well as savior of the Jews who remained in exile there.  She was brave in doing her duty even though it might mean death at the hands of King Ahasuerus (or as he’s more popularly known, King Xerxes…yes, that’s right, THAT King Xerxes! Picture him from now on when you study Esther in your women’s small group if you want to liven up discussion!). There’s no way a list like this could exist without Esther.

However, the other babe in that book often gets totally overlooked…

9. Vashti

Not only was Vashti so beautiful that Ahasuerus/Xerxes wanted to parade her in front of a banquet of his drunken buddies (attempting to make her literally the ultimate trophy wife!), but she had the self-respect and confidence enough to basically tell the most powerful man on the face of the earth, “Yeah right! Find somebody else, jerk! I’m outta here!” (That’s the JM version of the text. To read it yourself, just flip to Esther 1:10-12).  A woman willing to stand up to an oppressive and obnoxious man and put him in his place when needed is a babe indeed!  So let’s show more love for Vashti from now on instead of just fawning over Esther, shall we?

8. Eve

Now usually Eve gets a bad rap because of the whole eating-of-the-fruit-and-thus-introducing-sin-into-humanity thing. HOWEVER, it should be noted that Adam was right there with her and could’ve stomped on the snake’s head the moment it messed with his lady, like any good husband should do!

Now that we’ve put the millennia-long blame-game aside, think about it…Eve was literally hand-made by God Himself to be the perfect woman for Adam. You know she was a babe, pre-Fall…and probably post-Fall as well. Plus, she never had to go through any awkward adolescent phase, so she was literally a babe from the moment her life began. That’s impressive. As is the fact that two of her three sons mentioned by name turned out to be the epitome of Godliness (if you’re wondering which one didn’t, I’ll give you a hint: his name rhymes with “stain.”) Not bad for a woman with absolutely ZERO role models or mentors when it comes to the complexities of being wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, great-great-grandmother…[continue on for 900 years or so and you get the picture]!

Plus, the traditional translation of Eve being created to be a “helper” (or worse, “helpmate”) is woefully inadequate!  The word used (Hebrew: ‘ezer) means “deliverer” or “one who comes alongside to rescue”, and is only used elsewhere to refer to God in His role as Israel’s deliverer!  Eve wasn’t just created to fulfill Adam’s sexual desires–she was created to complete that part of the Image of God that he was missing.  Babe status indeed!

7. Young Rebekah

This isn’t an age issue (as you’ll see with my #1 pick!), it’s just that Rebekah ended up being pretty manipulative and destructive to her family later in life.  However, that does not take away from the fact that in her early years, Rebekah was literally answered prayer when Abraham’s servant was sent to find Isaac the best wife there was.  Not only was she quite “fetching” physically…she was quite “fetching” when it came to the all-important ancient near east task of water-provision! Check out Gen 24:15-21 for the full story of this Bible babe.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to water camels or not…but they drink A LOT!  So much that if you find a dead one you can cut it open and drink the water that remains within its intestinal walls!  (If you don’t believe me–and aren’t about to eat anytime soon!–see for yourself!).  A woman willing to do that for a stranger is definitely a woman worthy of babe status in my book!

6. Joanna/Junia

(Luke 8:3/Rom.16:7) If, as some NT scholars have concluded, the Joanna in Luke’s Gospel who was the wife of Herod’s cupbearer and the Junia of Romans 16 are in fact the same person, then this is indeed one impressive lady who fully deserves Bible babe status!  She was not only Judean nobility, but she was also an Apostle whom Paul himself gave props to as being “outstanding among the Apostles” (though some have argued that the phrase should be translated “well known to the Apostles”…either way, she was exemplary!).

Here’s a quick summary of the evidence for linking the two from Ben Witherington’s “What Have They Done With Jesus?”

“The Latin name Junia is infact equivalent to the Hebrew Joanna.” p.18

“First Paul tells us, by calling Junia his “kin,” that she is Jewish, not Roman. Second, Paul reveals that he knows this couple intimately: they had done time together, apparently imprisoned because of their work as ministers and missionaries. This is actually quite unusual. Criminal women were generally not jailed but were put under house arrest, unless they had done something notorious to offend a city’s officials. Paul appears to be suggesting that Junia and her husband were, as he was, ringleaders of the “notorious” Christian sect that was causing so much trouble throughout the empire…and most importantly, the couple are said to be “notable [or, depending on the translation, prominent or outstanding] among the apostles…the context suggests that by “apostle” Paul means the same thing here that he means when he applies the term to himself, since he is describing itinerant missionaries who did time with him courtesy of the Roman system of jurisprudence.”  p.19

“In sum, Paul is writing about a Jewish woman called Junia (but presumably named Joanna in Hebrew) who was an early, close, and prominent follower of Jesus, who witnessed Jesus’s resurrection, and who then boldly spread the gospel. Might she be the Joanna of Luke’s gospel? I believe she is. One could ask, “But what happened to Chuza?” I suspect that he divorced Joanna and she then remarried a Christian named Andronicus, with whom she undertook missionary work that took her to the heart of the empire (and, at least once, to jail). It’s easy to see why Chuza would have divorced a woman who was using his money to chase after a radical prophet who had insulted his boss. In the honor-and-shame culture in which they lived, Herod Antipas would hardly have retained Chuza as an estate agent if Chuza had retained Joanna as his wife! The divorce might also explain why Joanna was free to follow Jesus to Jerusalem for Passover in the year 30.  I admit it takes a certain amount of detective work to connect Joanna with Junia. Nevertheless, the links are plausible. They are strengthened by the fact that Junia must have been part of the original circle of followers of Jesus in Jerusalem if indeed she was “in Christ” before Paul’s conversion in A.D. 34-35. This was before there was a mission outside of Israel, never mind a mission to Gentiles. Furthermore, Luke presents Joanna as a bold and prominent disciple, and Paul’s Junia is similarly characterized.” p.20

5. Abigail

In addition to being a good looking lady, Abigail also had a quick wit and an excellent sense of humor. In 1Samuel 25 we find her story…and it’s a good one!  First of all, she’s the trophy wife of a rich moron named Nabal. He’s the epitome of the spoiled rich kid all grown up. His name also happens to literally mean “moron/fool”! (Why do many women seem to fall for rich fools, you ask? I don’t know…but it’s nothing new apparently!)

So Nabal ends up thumbing his nose at King David and in the process, unbeknownst to him, signs his own death warrant at the hands of David’s men (and David’s men were no joke!).  But Abigail steps in and prevents David from doing something rash by basically saying about Nabal, “Bless his heart”…which any of you know what that means if you’re from the south. (1Sa 25:24-25) After saving Nabal’s behind from David’s wrath, Abigail goes home and tells him what she did and he’s so embarrassed that he becomes comatose and dies ten days later. David hears about it and asks Abigail to marry him, which she does.  The only downfall is once again, she ends up with a rich jerk! (See the later incident with a certain woman and her Hittite husband!)

4. Jael

I can’t speak for every guy, but there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who can take care of herself…and “take care of” a bad guy if the need arises (after all, how else can you explain the popularity of shows like “Alias” or “Dark Angel” and the “Tomb Raider” video games among the 18-35 yr old male population??).  A lady who can kick butt when necessary is a thing of beauty indeed!

And of all the Babes in the Bible who could do this, none did it better, or more shrewdly than Jael (Jdg 4:17-22).  She’s the She-Ra of the Bible; only instead of wielding a shiny sword above her head, she opts for a hammer and tent-peg behind her back!  (Oh, and she probably wasn’t blonde…or wearing gold high-heeled boots and a mini-skirt!)

3.The woman of Shullam

Number 3 on the list belongs to a woman so amazing that she gets an entire book devoted to her…and written primarily from HER perspective. The woman in the Song of Songs is never named. All we know is that she is from Shullam, or a Shullammite–but even this tells us nothing because we don’t exactly know what this means (every commentator pretty much is forced to make an educated guess about it along with MANY other things in the Song…don’t let them fool you into thinking otherwise!).

We also know that she is not the classical beauty, but rather the everyday variety of beauty. She’s the ultimate girl next door! Don’t believe me? Check out Song of Songs 1:5-6. And in addition to all that, she has a fully robust and healthy view of God’s greatest gift to humanity (besides His Son): sexual intimacy as it’s supposed to be enjoyed.

That’s all I can say without making the Dojo into an “NSFW” site for the moment; so if you want all the details, read the song for yourself…just make sure you have a good commentary and/or Bible dictionary handy so you can catch all the Hebrew innuendo and euphamisms found within its pages…there are lots of them!

2.Abishag

Despite an extremely unfortunate sounding name (especially for British English speakers!), Abishag was definitely a babe in the Bible. When old King David was fading in health, his advisors knew exactly what had always got David’s engine revving in the past and decided that this would be the perfect remedy–find the best looking young lady in the kingdom and have her lay in bed with him to keep him warm and tend to his needs (but given David’s notorious relationships in the past with beautiful women, can you really blame them for thinking otherwise??).  The “winner” of this jackpot-o’-creepiness was Abishag.  But what makes her really stand out is that she did her job WITHOUT having to compromise her purity with the old dying king (aka. the ancient Hebrew Hugh Hefner!).  1Ki 1:2-4

Perhaps by then David had realized the folly of sexual immorality and polygamy, and how it had ruined his family and his Kingdom.  Or perhaps he was so old and sick that he couldn’t stay awake past the first lullaby.  Either way, Abishag blessed indeed!

Honorable Mention: Apochryphal Babes!

Before we get to number 1 on the list, I want to pause to give a shout-out to my Catholic friends by noting some of the amazing women found in the Apochrypa. The Apochrypha (or Deutero-canonical) books are those books with weird names (“Bel and the Dragon”, really??) that are found in Catholic, Orthodox, Coptic or Ecumenical Bibles. It’s unfortunate that more protestants don’t read them because they are actually really good books and contain a tremendous amount of historical and cultural knowledge that brings to light much of the New Testament, as well as Judaism in general (ever heard of Hanukkah??). They are all books written originally by Jews in the Greek language during the time between the last OT Hebrew book (Malachi or Chronicles) and the birth of John the Baptist. They have numerous stories of women doing really cool, clever or heroic things and I’ll just point out 3 of them…well, 2.5 actually…

Susanna

Susanna 1:1-63 tells the brief account of how Susanna was so much of a babe that two elders tried to blackmail her into sleeping with them. She knew that they could lie and sentence her to death, but she chose to face death rather than to sin against God sleeping with them. Eventually the elders are discovered to be lying by Daniel, who interrogates them, and Susanna’s prayer to God for justice and vindication is answered dramatically.

Judith

Judith is the Jael of the Apochrypha. Here story is found in the book of (surprise!) Judith. I don’t want to spoil the story for those who haven’t read it, but the jist of it is that Judith the beautiful widow is able to bring down a mighty Assyrian in a way that would make “Mrs. Smith” proud! (The heart of the story can be found in Judith chs. 8-14)

Wisdom

Okay, so even though she’s not technically an actual woman, Lady Wisdom is described briefly in the OT (Pro 9:1-6), and more fully in the Apochryphal book “The Wisdom of Solomon” as the Babe of all Babes. Here’s a sample:

12 Wisdom is radiant and unfading,
and she is easily discerned by those who love her,
and is found by those who seek her.
13 She hastens to make herself known to those who desire her.
14 One who rises early to seek her will have no difficulty,
for she will be found sitting at the gate.    (Wis 6:12-14)

24 For wisdom is more mobile than any motion;
because of her pureness she pervades and penetrates all things.
25 For she is a breath of the power of God,
and a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty;
therefore nothing defiled gains entrance into her.
26 For she is a reflection of eternal light,
a spotless mirror of the working of God,
and an image of his goodness.
27 Although she is but one, she can do all things,
and while remaining in herself, she renews all things;
in every generation she passes into holy souls
and makes them friends of God, and prophets;
28 for God loves nothing so much as the person who lives with wisdom.
29 She is more beautiful than the sun,
and excels every constellation of the stars.
Compared with the light she is found to be superior,
30 for it is succeeded by the night,
but against wisdom evil does not prevail.
8:1 She reaches mightily from one end of the earth to the other,
and she orders all things well.
2 I loved her and sought her from my youth;
I desired to take her for my bride,
and became enamored of her beauty.    (Wis 7:24-8:2)

And finally, the title of number 1 Babe in the Bible goes to…

1.Sarah

Now I know what you’re thinking…”

Sarah? As in Abraham’s wife?? She was like 90 years old and barren!  How can she be the number 1 Bible babe??!”

Well rest assured, Sarah was the most gorgeous 90 year old you’d ever meet!  We’re talking a Racquel-Welch-and-Vanna-White-combined-level gorgeousness!  Seriously, she was so much of a babe that not once, BUT TWICE, she was noticed and desired by foreign kings–all while in her tenth decade of life!

Pharaoh, the most powerful man in the world at the time, desired her and took her for his wife becasue he thought she was Abraham’s sister…a plan that Abraham himself had come up with because he knew how much of a babe Sarah was and that kings would literally kill him for her (Gen 12:14-16)!  Then, years later, he still had not learned his lesson…and Sarah was STILL a babe who caught the eye of King Abimelek (Gen 20:1-3); and this while face-lifts and Botox were still nearly 3,000 years away!

So while Sarah’s character was not always exemplary (see that whole Hagar incident!), out of sheer longevity and knowing how high a value Scripture places on honoring our elders I’m giving her the number 1 spot on the list!

So there you go. That’s my top 10. Fellas, I’d be interested to hear your feedback and if you have anyone I missed or would like to dispute any of my choices.

Ladies, I’d be interested to hear your feedback as well…and feel free to share your own list of “Top 10 Hebrew and Hellenistic Hunks of the Bible” if you’d like!

Lastly, you’ll notice that this blog entry is posted under the “Random/Funny” category as opposed to the “Biblical Theology” category.  So be sure to take that into account before commenting.  If it offends you or makes you uncomfortable to hear the opinion of a single guy on what he finds attractive among members of the opposite gender I can assure you that that was not my intention!  Just wanted to put a different spin on the various amazing women in the pages of Scripture.

JM