Christian virgins and ‘sexual compatibility’ (part 1)
Hi Dojo readers,
Last week I came across an article a friend shared on Facebook from Relevant magazine entitled “Christians Are Not Called to Have Amazing Sex“. In it, the author talked about how for Christians, a call to having “great sex” is not something that marriage is built upon. She shared a post by author Jessica Ciencin Henriquez who has written about how the abstinence movement affected her marriage negatively in the article “My Virginity Mistake.” Henriquez pledged to remain a virgin until marriage and as a result was disillusioned and disappointed by the “sexual incompatibility” she experienced with her husband–which eventually led to their divorce.
Now, in my mid-30s, single, and having never had sex myself, the article caught my attention.
It also did not sit well with me…but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why exactly. So I shared it with one of my closest friends, Olatunde Howard, who is not only happily married for more than a decade now, but who also has 7 children of his own, in order to get his (much more sexually experienced!) thoughts on it.
After hearing back from him, I asked him to write a 2-part guest post here in the Dojo in response to the piece, because I resonated very strongly with what he was saying. Here is part 1 of his response to the relevant article and the issue of “sexual compatibility” between Christian spouses. Enjoy and stay tuned for part 2!
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Sexual Compatibility
I read an article that assumed virgins were in danger of being sexually incompatible marriage partners. It assumed they were in for disappointment and disillusionment.
But these assumptions dishonor God and how he made men and women for each other in marriage.
God created the sexes, and thus created “sexual compatibility.” This is sexual compatibility:
“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2:25
Sexual compatibility is the intimacy of vulnerability, physically, soulically, and spiritually.
It means the man and woman are perfectly complimentary…
Not from Mars and Venus…
Not “opposite sexes”…
Not at war, even after the fall of humanity.
They are not each others enemies, not in competition or opposition.
They don’t need to “perform” in or out of bed.
All that’s necessary for sexual compatibility is undeniable sexual attraction.
In other words, if a husband and wife are intensely physically attracted to each other before they marry, this will only increase after marriage, assuming they continue to grow spiritually and take care of themselves physically. And by “take care of themselves physically,” I don’t mean body builder status. I mean it’s still clear that the man is a man and the woman is a woman, no matter from what distance or angle you see him or her. Masculinity attracts femininity, and vice versa.
The article assumes a preset state in which certain men and women, especially if they remain virgins, will not “fit” sexually.
But let’s apply this to conversation in a relationship.
How are a man and woman “conversationally compatible?” Does this mean that conversations always come easily and effortlessly at any and every stage of life? Even for the best of friends, those with the most in common, this is not the case, because every one has a different mind and perspective.
Relationships, even the best relationships, will take work. To understand another mind takes effort. Good effort, but effort none the less.
The same is true with marital sex.
Joining two distinct bodies will take sensitivity, time, and love.
Husbands and wives can’t be more compatible than they are, but they can truly and intimately know each other, or not know each other very well at all.
We are the images of the Unknown God, the One who can’t be known without revelation. Sex in marriage is a revelation. Spouses can’t experience sexual compatibility automatically any more than they can read each others minds.
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Stay tuned for part 2, where Olatunde looks at the subject of sexual dysfunction, trauma and the practical necessity when spouses don’t share the same degree of sexual apetite.
Categories: Blog, Political/Social issues, Relationships, Theological issues
My two cents:
As someone on the other side of the fence (I’m a liberal), it’s important to note that from a Jewish perspective, sex and marriage were often one in the same. Typically what would happen would be that a couple would pair off, have sex, and when they came back they were just considered to be a couple, and were considered to be married. Sometimes there would be an annulment or divorce, but this was very rare. (Sometimes after the first sexual experience of a couple, one or the other would call it quits, for whatever reason.)
In other occasions (and later in Jewish history) there were engagement promises or contracts. These would mandate that two people would be married at a later time (when they came of age, etc). If you had sex with someone and were betrothed to someone else, this was considered almost as bad as adultery. However if you had sex with someone you were betrothed to but not married to yet, that was a different, private matter.
There was also nothing like birth control back then. This meant that marriage was a necessary moral component to a sexual pairing that involved regular intercourse. You can’t have men promising to marry people and then running off, particularly if you are a tribal nomadic culture. Every sexual act was an act of marriage. The ceremonies didn’t come into play until far later in history.
Our current culture is very far from that: sex now has little (or nothing to do) with marriage, and not every sexual act results in a pregnancy (with technology, we can prevent that).
Our society is also very different than then. We would consider forcing someone to marry someone else by the parents to be a barbaric act. In the United States those marriages are illegal now.
http://www.trust.org/item/?map=forced-marriage-in-america-many-women-dont-know-their-rights-fear-to-claim-them/
So has our sexual practices in marriage IMPROVED from the time of the Bible or has it gotten worse. Well, in some ways it’s gotten better and some ways worse. It’s better in that there are now more rights for women than existed in Biblical times. You can no longer force a woman to marry with a parental engagement contract.
And that’s a good thing.
However, we have lost the notion that an act of sex is also an act of marriage, and that is to our own society’s detriment. In many ways our culture is waking up to the fact that having multiple sexual partners just isn’t that desirable psychologically and in terms of a lifestyle. It’s far more emotionally and psychologically satisfying to have a single, long term partner, and studies have shown that this is also good for every area of your life including your health.
Why the push for Gay Marriage in America? Because gay men and women have realized that having a solitary partner for sex is incredibly rewarding, and is a focal point in human sexuality.
Another problem is that in order to combat the “Corinthian” ideal of today’s modern America where sex sells, conservative religious leaders both in Christianity, Islam and Judaism promote a “Culture of Shame”, where participants are taught that sex is an evil, unholy act. Many of them would say that they promote sex in marriage and that it’s outside of marriage it’s a sin. But that’s not actually what they are doing, and that isn’t the actual effect they have on people. Sexual desires, fantasies, pornography, masturbation, and sex is cast in a negative light. WHen you have that pairing: of sex and guilt, it doesn’t just “go away” suddenly.
Many very religious couples have a lot of difficulty with sexual compatibility because they have been taught all their lives that sex is evil. The pairing of sex and guilt doesn’t “just go away” instantly. If you are taught to experience shame with feelings of sexual arousal, that can be very damaging. In essence what these people are doing is no better than sexual harassment, and its effects can be even more pernicious.
Words like “whore,” “slut” “damaged goods” and “Mortal sin” often give rise to serious complications in the bedroom, even when people genuinely love each other.
I wanted to cite one such example of just how pernicious the effects of this can be. One of my magician friends told me a story about a stage hypnotist who was being heckled by a man in the audience. The hypnotist brought the man and his wife on stage, and to make light of the situation, hypnotized the woman in order to make her dislike the man. This was all done in good lighthearted fun. The man laughed about it, and so did the woman.
But when they got home the woman found that she could not bring herself to be intimate with the husband. They began fighting, got a divorce, and the woman later sued the hypnotist for doing this (to the tune of a couple thousand dollars). The court agreed with the woman and awarded her damages.
My point in saying this is that just one stage hypnotist saying once to a person that they are no longer sexually compatible (while in a suggestive state) is enough to make it come true.
How much stronger are the messages we get from Religion? And even stronger than that are the sexual messages we get from advertising, movies and so forth. Sex sells, and sexual messages (while we are in a suggestive state) bombard us constantly.
I have seen many marriages break up over sex. Sometimes it’s because one of the persons has been drilled into believing that sex is something dirty and doesn’t want to do it. Other times it’s because the other partner buys into our culture, seeing sexual acts as a commodity (or even as their god given right!).
Usually people can come to the middle on this and their relationship can survive. But sometimes it can’t. A lot of people will tell you that you should find out if you’re sexually compatible before you get married, and to do everything sexual you can to ensure that compatibility.
Conservatives would claim that every instant of sexual contact (or even sexual thoughts) is a sin. Some come down somewhere in the middle (most of us do, I suppose).
I don’t think you need to have sex to establish sexual compatibility. However, I think you need to have very frank sexual conversations with your partner before you get married, and explain what you both are expecting and be able to follow through on those expectations. And I do believe that having sex in the context of an engagement is okay. I would urge for a call to sanity, and have people communicate both their desires and needs.
There are situations where I have known virgins who have only become sexually active in marriage. And I know of several situations where, because of that, it did not work out. One woman thought that she would feel differently about sex after marriage…. But she didn’t. They divorced.
Another was a man who demanded more sex from his wife after he was married (he married as a virgin. She didn’t want to do it as often. They divorced.
Sex is a powerful force. It should be respected, explored and certainly not be treated as a triviality, nor should it be avoided as a heinous act. In some ways we should be stoic about it and not let our environment infulence us negatively. We shouldn’t be swayed, but should listen strongly to our internal conscience as well as making sure that sex is attendant with responsibility, commitment, love and trust. And we should treat acts of sex as acts of marriage.
by Chris Bowers on Jul 13, 2013 at 1:02 am
[…] HERE for part […]
by Disciple Dojo – JMSmith.org » Christian virgins and ‘sexual compatibility’ (part 2) on Jul 14, 2013 at 6:15 pm
[…] In J.M. Smiths’ Blog (and here), he suggests the key to sexual intimacy and compatibility is vulnerability. Not a word that most people want to hear, especially with such a sensitive and personal aspect of their being. Here’s what Mr. Smith said about it: “God created the sexes, and thus created “sexual compatibility.” This is sexual compatibility: ‘Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.’(Gen 2:5). Sexual compatibility is the intimacy of vulnerability, physically, soulically, and spiritually. It means the man and woman are perfectly complimentary… Not from Mars and Venus… Not “opposite sexes”… Not at war, even after the fall of humanity. They are not each others enemies, not in competition or opposition. They don’t need to ‘perform’ in or out of bed.” […]
by Sexual compatibility: What is it? Part 2 | Freedom. Truth. Marriage. on Mar 16, 2014 at 11:37 am